You Deserve To Be Loved The Right Way

 

When Someone Isn't treating you right, No matter how difficult it is, You have to love yourself more and walk away.

This story is about me and my best friend.  My exact male version. We are each other's happy place, from meeting to eating, going on long drives, eating Maggi and hot tea in winters, exploring music together, discussing office politics, discussing life, brainstorming ideas for my videos, 100k on my Instagram was his dream as well. Listening to my nonsense and encouraging it as well. Perfect friendship!

I broke up sometime back and he is always been for me, from making me understand to cheering me up. And because of him, break up didn't hurt a lot. And I kinda moved on and after a few months, he broke up. And I decided  I have to be there for this person no matter what. I will do anything to help him move on.

Because we are always there for each other, like always! And during the process of helping him something happened, which we'd not imagined in our 8 years of friendship. Not even in our wildest dreams. We had a magical connection, a vibe, chemistry, and understanding, and whenever we were together, we were the happiest!

Everything felt so good. And what could be better than you are getting to spend the rest of your life with your best friend?

I thought I found my chandler. And perhaps that was my biggest mistake. In order to make some relations better, we end up destroying them. 

Everything was fine until his ex came back. And instead of saying either no to her or to me, he got confused. Now his confusion took a tool of my mental health.

I was very well aware of his indecisive nature. He said, he needs time to decide and we tend to push limits when in love. I said you have all the time in the world sweetheart take it so that he doesn't get hurt, and stays fine and happy and heals. And amidst this, I broke down.

Because I knew, we could not be only friends now. If either this or nothing. For the first time, I felt the fear of losing someone special so closely. I went crazy. Once when his ex called while we were together in the car, I experienced an anxiety attack for the first time.

Amidst Lucknow winters, I was sweating, unable to speak or breathe, and would overthink the entire day and ended up seeing a therapist. Overthinking and anxiety attacks were my lifestyle now. Amidst him needing time and the loop of overthinking, I got tangled.

I thought maybe today or tomorrow, he will take a stand. But he didn't. I started waking up crying, I could not sleep without listening to mediation sounds in the night, therapy sessions became twice a week, couldn't focus on my work.

I had to postpone video shoots because my eyes would swell up after crying. My happiest place turns out to be my darkest place. And this is such a terrible situation because you don't want to move on and you aren't happy together either. I am a very ambitious and very workaholic person. But for that magical connection, I was ready to compromise.

Everything was acceptable just that person shouldn't go anywhere. I used to think of myself as smart, that I'm the strongest, nobody can mess with me. I used to ask my therapist again and again where am I stuck, how do I get out of this how do I stay happy?

Months passed and one evening I was drinking tea and I realized, I don't want to live like this. I have created this mess and I will get myself out of it. It was my birthday and I gifted myself a trip to the Maldives.

Whenever I am in mess, I would zoom out to take a decision and Maldives was the zoom out. I still remember I was sitting on the beach half-drowned and broken, and that's where I met myself. I realized I'm becoming someone I'm not. Sad, unhappy, ready to compromise, give up on my ambition, being ok with things that I am actually not ok with.

And on the other side, were flashbacks of 8 years old friendship, moments, and memories. On one side was loneliness, and the other was this magical connection of friendship that now had become toxic.

I closed my eyes and noticed that I was choosing everyone else except myself.  And I decided this is it. I am done. And I blocked him for the rest of my life, from my heart, mind, and phone. I ghosted him.

That day, I lost 2 things in my life. maybe a lover and a wonderful friend for sure. We're so scared of loneliness that we self-sabotage in toxic love instead. We will give so much to the other person so the other person doesn't leave. We forget that we deserved happiness too. 

We all have the remotes to our happiness and we usually end up giving to our lovers, to control our happiness. that remote should never be given to anyone. Nobody should the power to control your happiness you should be your priority and no one else. And then see, how your life changes.

I hope you find the strength to walk away from someone if you are not treated right.